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Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Offline 10-24-2017, 09:06 AM
Reply: #391
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 04:53 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 04:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 04:32 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 03:59 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 02:57 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

That's... actually a good idea. but my thinking of scythe isn't entirely farm-hand. (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...) I set it up as a sort of dragon pun, because he's always going to have to keep draggin' it around,(Phew! No triggers. Unless you're a dragon, to which I'm --- VANTAS, SHUT THE FUCK UP.) as well as the mentality of it being called the "Dragon's Claw". tomeKind woud be a good idea, as it holds all of his knowledge in there, but it's pretty useless if he loses it. As for the poleaxe, egh... no offense, but it's the shittiest thing I've seen. I've seen shitty jpeg swords, but a fucking poleaxe takes the cake of shitty weapons.
Well; your character seems like quite the recluse, right? I mean, I doubt they'd get much 'practical' use out of their weapon until *after* any SBURB shenanigans would occur. So whether it's a shitty weapon or not doesn't matter, unless it's something they like/find useful, in their own accord. I mean; with the tomeKind for instance. It fits his character as a Heir of Mind, and though it has it's weaknesses also, that's what makes it a 'balanced' tool. I've got a fankid myself who uses halberdKind, so polearms can be quite the fun idea if executed correctly. Also; I would perhaps refrain from calling that strife-specibus 'shitty', because well, what if someone else uses it for their O.C? Just a bit of advice for the future!
In all honesty, the only reason I'm saying this is because ScytheKind is a pretty overused specibus, along with bladeKind, rifleKind, etcetera. It's nice to explore some other types of weaponry! Whether practical or otherwise!

wow, I actually was moved for a second there. I know I shouldn't call it shitty, but it's my opinion. I honestly hate poleaxes. great, now we got that out of the way, let's move on to the real stuff. scythekind is overused. alright. I was originally going to put ocarinakind, due to his modus, but opted out of it because reasons. now I see that scythekind is actually one of the main go-to weapons. so as much as it pains me to see, I will have to change the dragon's claw to the heart of the dragon, knowledge. and music. just to unlock stuff.


Listen; I totally understand that it's your opinion, honestly! We are all entitled to free-speech, and the rest of it, I'm just suggesting that perhaps there's a better place to voice those criticisms than a forum focusing solely on O.C Review-Applicants, just because it might turn off folk in the future? Anyways; yes, moving onto the subject at hand, I *would* like to ask where the interest in music comes from. Because from his GCAT-Chum-Handle, it seems he has more an interest in Alchemy, which could stem from Chemistry, perhaps thereby giving him a means of using explosive-vials or something as a strife-specibus? Nailing down hobbies is a big-key to discovering a muse's sort of battle-style and that, so fitting it around the character can be a bit of a challenge!

I'll Let Kankri answer this one.
AHEM. to not trigger you I will have to make this short. It seems that the troll you are asking in general and his musical tastes don't really come from the GCAT rule. Yes, he likes alchemy, only because it requires knowledge. He treasures knowledge to a point, making him a very capable individual to deal with. As for his musical tastes, they stem from both his fetch modus, and his praise of knowledge. In his words, "Almost all knowledge is good knowledge." because of that beautiful motto of brave personality, he would seem to revolve around his sign, the rune of Anzus. And it is precisely that rune to which he is also a heir of mind, as well as a knowledgeable troll. Any other post can be sent to pesterchum.
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Offline 10-24-2017, 12:25 PM
Reply: #392
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 10:44 AM)z-star Wrote:  Name: Anguis Serpes (first name - "snake" in Latin; surname: derived from "serpent")

Symbol: The symbol of the Serpens constellation. (The olive blooded alphabet is implied to commonly contain circles in the symbols)

Trolltag: precisePythonidae (for one adhering to GCAT; absoluteAlethinophid)

Interests: Reading, playing the flute (see: snake charming), interior decoration

Strife Specibus: pistolkind (see: python pistol)

I think this troll might need some more interests or themes to build him up. I mean from the bare bones you posted about his dude is all about snakes.
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Offline 10-25-2017, 07:18 AM (This reply was last modified: 10-25-2017 07:39 AM by z-star.)(Edited by z-star.)
Reply: #393
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-24-2017 12:25 PM)pickedPocket Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 10:44 AM)z-star Wrote:  Name: Anguis Serpes (first name - "snake" in Latin; surname: derived from "serpent")

Symbol: The symbol of the Serpens constellation. (The olive blooded alphabet is implied to commonly contain circles in the symbols)

Trolltag: precisePythonidae (for one adhering to GCAT; absoluteAlethinophid)

Interests: Reading, playing the flute (see: snake charming), interior decoration

Strife Specibus: pistolkind (see: python pistol)

I think this troll might need some more interests or themes to build him up. I mean from the bare bones you posted about his dude is all about snakes.

His other personality traits were meant to be his affinity for literature and reading as well as the almost compulsive need for organization and precision. Sorry if I didn't define it enough!


(Note! This character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


(Note! This other character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


[Image: tumblr_inline_ou31nrLJfy1rorly5_500.gif]
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Offline 10-25-2017, 03:10 PM
Reply: #394
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Hey, I hope it's alright if I post one more fantroll here. Hopefully I haven't been overdoing it, lol.

Name: Zulmus Ankhon
Name meaning: "Ankhone" is the greek word for Anger.
Appearance:
The boi himself
(By the way, if you have the Homestuck Amino, her username is "Mommabear")
This was drawn by a friend of mine. The initial intention of the character was way different, hence the smile.
Zulmus is tall, and pretty well built, bodily; somewhat muscular, broad shoulders
Sign: Canis Minor - Little Dog
Lusus: Wolfie!
The li'l tough pup with long, sharp teeth and the ability to pull off a supersonic bark. He likes to tussle with Zulmus and roughhouse. He's an aggressive dad, sometimes, but he's loyal. He looks like just a wolf that's the size of a normal dog. However, don't let the size fool you, this thing is so swift and powerful that it can be deadly.
Blood Caste: Rustblood.
Trolltag: tumultuousTwit. This eludes to his somewhat negative self image, and the fact that he felt as though he was always confused and mixed up (tumultuous) and simply dumb in general(twit).
Typing Quirk:
His quirk is a little hard to understand at times. He tends to mix up words, due to a case of brain damage making it difficult for him to read and write. Therefore, typos are almost inevitable, like Roxy's typing style, but he normally doesn't correct it.
A more consistent quirk includes him replacing letters:
- m to n
- p to q
- b to d
Example:
TT: okya, ashsoles, i'n mot qtuting uq wiht yoru dlulsiht rghit mow.
Bit of backstory:
For quite a while, Zulmus had a bit of trouble with his recuperacoon. Essentially, whenever he submerged in sopor, he consumed it in more dangerous amounts that messed up his head quite a bit. He had headaches and general task managing issues, he was unable to read and write coherently, and he generally just struggled to keep his brain on track for too long. This led to a lot of other trolls taking advantage of him, or ridiculing him.
After a sleepless night or two, Zulmus discovered that when he lacked sopor, he was generally more irritable and mean-spirited, however, he was a lot more coherent and focused.
He decided that the result of not submerging in the sopor was a lot better for him, and he decided to use replacements in order to keep himself from getting too out of hand: for example, eating slime pies on occasion (only enough to ensure that he doesn't go batshit.)
He tries to avoid using his recuperacoon unless he absolutely has to, in fear that he'll revert back to normal.
Personality:
Zulmus is a pretty smart person. Despite the more long term effects of the overconsumption of sopor, he learned several skills that definitely helped him get his brain back on track. He's a mechanic and a builder, meaning he can create really cool robots really easily. He's resourceful, as well, and keeps essential bot parts in his modus just in case he finds something cool to make in new places.
As a result of his lack of efficient sopor, he's got some really bad anger management issues.
His repressed frustrations now embody themselves in his interest in using robots to annoy his peers, and piss them off. He does this in order to intentionally get under their skin, just for fun.
He also tends to be quite abrasive, picking fights with others and arguing whenever he sees fit.
Despite this, he does defend those who he truly cares about. There are some who treat him with respect and kindness throughout his life. If you're on his good side, he's a good ally to have... even though you'll have to put up with his crap pretty often.
Interests:
- Mechanics/inventing
- Action movies
- Pranking
- Coding
- Video games
- Target practice with guns
Strife Specibus: Shotgunkind
He uses a shotgun that he built himself. It shoots laser energy spreads rather than normal bullet spreads.
God tier:
Knight Of Rage
He likes to exploit people's Rage in order to use them to his advantage. He makes kismesis easily for that reason, but he also just manages to take the piss out of his enemies whenever he pleases.
This works out for him in battle, taunting opponents when they miss or fail.
Land of: Rust and Death Traps.
This land is filled with danger at every corner. There's almost always some sort of trap or trick to look out for. The traps are made of metal gadgets that are rusted and aged.

okay, so this character is kinda complicated, as his whole backstory might raise some issues. some feedback would be really helpful, thanks!

[Image: unknown.png]
Check out Sburblin, a written fanventure by yours truly!
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Offline 10-26-2017, 06:54 PM (This reply was last modified: 10-26-2017 06:54 PM by AncientE%cursion.)(Edited by AncientE%cursion.)
Reply: #395
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
This is the most roleplay that's happened on the forums in recent times

[Image: 9bb7pc.gif]

Do the evolution
x1(list)
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Offline 10-27-2017, 02:49 AM
Reply: #396
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Oh, I am still alive, I've just been really tired this week, so it's taken me a while.

(10-21-2017 02:30 PM)TheDreamur Wrote:   ok. Here goes nothing.

1. Name:
Videre Iratus. The name means “see anger” in Latin. This is for the fact that she is usually hiding feelings and secrets, so if you get her to the tipping point where emotions will show, expect to see anger.
Pretty amusing and orginal root for a name, I quite like it.

Gender: Female

Blood: 681f68, which is a plum purple color, you will find out why she is a sea dweller later.
That would be this colour?
Fair enough.

Symbol: Her symbol is a swan, which is the constellation cyngus the swan! You can probably look up the symbol to see exactly what it is.
Fair enough

Horns: looks like a curving neck and head of a swan.

Age: 7 sweeps (15 yrs I think, idk)

Lusus: (Sea)Snakemom. You would expect for it to be a swan but her lusus is more based on her personality, being quite intelligent, alert, and most importantly incredibly poisonous, Being that Videre’s personality is toxic.
What about a swan-like snake. Hybrid like creatures can exist for lusus, the potential is endless really.

Fetch modus: stumped on this one.
Secret/Trap Door Modus? To go with the secret theme?


Strife specibi: CeramicKnifeKind (really long, I know) she prefers this weapon over regular knifes because the blade is light and she isn’t the strongest person. It can cut pretty ok but needs repairing offen. The knife blade is white, for White standing for purity ,and Blood on white is often used as a term of impurity, so that’s a thing too.
A nice variation of an over-used strife specibus, and quite fitting with the 'swan' theme.

Trolltag: SaltySwan. This is because she is often called “salty” by her friends since she seems to really just not care. About anything. Even though she does. The swan part is quite obvious since her symbol is Cyngus.
'salty' seems simplistic not to mention based off slang. Normally trolltags have one word which is less commonly used in them 'caustic' or 'begrudging' or 'sardonic' would work better here,
or perhaps go with something that relates to her love of keeping secrets?


Typing quirk:
I need help for this one. For now I have a completely unoriginal b=6 a=@ and t=7 . Any tips?
I would say it works for now. I guess '?◠' kind of looks like a swan? Although it requires unicode to use, which only dancestors really use.

Story, backround, personality:
(Development under way, please give me ALL the tips you can muster)
I would split up her living situation and backstory, for no reason other than it's easier to read.
Her hive is by a black beach for one specific hobby: making stained glass. Since black sand makes a perfect red color, she lives by the beach. The area also has some underwater caves and land ones, also containing stained glass materials. This is also why her hive is decorated with stained glass. A lot of it.
Sounds really pretty, and does make the character rather original. Being raised by snakemom, snakemom was actually quite affectionate. This is due to the fact snakes will guard eggs until they hatch (I watch way too much National Geographic.) In her teachings with her lusus have learned to be cunning and decisive through methods of spying to being a excellent stealer (she really wonders why her lusus taught her that, since she usually has everything she generally needs) but uses the skill anyway in swiping troll’s shoes as practice. It’s kind of why you also see shoes scattered in areas here or tjere around her hive. Since she is the Slyph of Void, she is extremely secretive to a whole new level. Emotions. Actions. Words. She lies so well it looks completely genuine or avoids telling you anything entirely. It’s like a lying addiction. She lies about who she loves. (Spoiler Alert: it’s a rustblood who’s character isn’t really developed yet) she lies about what she thinks of others. Secretive about it.
Makes sense for her to lie about her love for a rustblood, considering the troll hemospectrum system.
Videre also has a passion for reading. She has a little nook on a porch, with books in the room that leads to the porch. It’s accesible through under a stairwell. (Yet another secret) Even though her high blood status should prevent her from thinking this, through reading books about ancient trolls who believed in equality, she yearned for a bit more equality among trolls (tying back to living the rustblood and more secrets.) she also has some fish takes around the hive through stained glass making and the life of the ocean.
I like the secret theme being quite prominent here, which I like, especially with all the features that seem spread around her hive. I would perhaps give her more hobbies, and perhaps a bit more backstory, why does she feel the need to keep secrets so much? I would also give her a few more personality traits (both negative and positive) just to add to the character themselves.

Title: Slyph of Void.
Fits well.

ANY TIPS P L E A S E
Though really, I am completely open to feedback and being a artist I can take constructive criticism. I am new to da troll making so I think this is a kinda ok start instead of Mary Sueing. Here is also a drawing of Videre (it sucks):
Can you place it as an image in the forums here?
It’s a traditional drawing so the quality isn’t the best.
I'm quite fond of them, I think perhaps the snake might fit her personality better than the swan? I know there is a constellation that's a sea snake, which might actually make more sense, since snakes tend to be associated with the mysterious more so than swans.
I would also perhaps develop her backstory more, perhaps her interactions with others as well and how she came to be so secretive. I think you are on you are on your way to making a pretty unique troll, you just need to add or change a few things to make the theme and character solid.

7/10.

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Offline 10-28-2017, 12:21 PM
Reply: #397
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Hey! Hope it's alright if you analyze my fankids (2)?? I'll leave them here if youd be willing to, but feel free not to.

Note: I have a lot of stuff for my oc's, so if there are sections youd prefer to skip then thats np


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Offline 10-28-2017, 09:00 PM
Reply: #398
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-25-2017 07:18 AM)z-star Wrote:  
(10-24-2017 12:25 PM)pickedPocket Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 10:44 AM)z-star Wrote:  Name: Anguis Serpes (first name - "snake" in Latin; surname: derived from "serpent")

Symbol: The symbol of the Serpens constellation. (The olive blooded alphabet is implied to commonly contain circles in the symbols)

Trolltag: precisePythonidae (for one adhering to GCAT; absoluteAlethinophid)

Interests: Reading, playing the flute (see: snake charming), interior decoration

Strife Specibus: pistolkind (see: python pistol)

I think this troll might need some more interests or themes to build him up. I mean from the bare bones you posted about his dude is all about snakes.

His other personality traits were meant to be his affinity for literature and reading as well as the almost compulsive need for organization and precision. Sorry if I didn't define it enough!


(Note! This character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


(Note! This other character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


Again, just like pickedPocket said, your characters need more...Things and interests to build them up. They just...Kinda feel empty. They're way too simple. My apologies if I'm sounding rude, but I think you need to build them up more.

[Image: tumblr_otmsraGZzf1qb0wv3o2_500.gif]

IM MARRY POPPINS YALL
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Offline 10-29-2017, 12:55 AM (This reply was last modified: 10-29-2017 12:56 AM by Dilmec.)(Edited by Dilmec.)
Reply: #399
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-28-2017 09:00 PM)Amurlintz Wrote:  
(10-25-2017 07:18 AM)z-star Wrote:  
(10-24-2017 12:25 PM)pickedPocket Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 10:44 AM)z-star Wrote:  Name: Anguis Serpes (first name - "snake" in Latin; surname: derived from "serpent")

Symbol: The symbol of the Serpens constellation. (The olive blooded alphabet is implied to commonly contain circles in the symbols)

Trolltag: precisePythonidae (for one adhering to GCAT; absoluteAlethinophid)

Interests: Reading, playing the flute (see: snake charming), interior decoration

Strife Specibus: pistolkind (see: python pistol)

I think this troll might need some more interests or themes to build him up. I mean from the bare bones you posted about his dude is all about snakes.

His other personality traits were meant to be his affinity for literature and reading as well as the almost compulsive need for organization and precision. Sorry if I didn't define it enough!


(Note! This character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


(Note! This other character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


Again, just like pickedPocket said, your characters need more...Things and interests to build them up. They just...Kinda feel empty. They're way too simple. My apologies if I'm sounding rude, but I think you need to build them up more.

I agree. Maybe try and add to their personality and emphasize how their interests work into the way they function as people. Also, I suggest some sort of example of text dialogue, because knowing how your character communicates can be important.

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Offline 10-30-2017, 05:06 AM
Reply: #400
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-29-2017 12:55 AM)Dilmec Wrote:  
(10-28-2017 09:00 PM)Amurlintz Wrote:  
(10-25-2017 07:18 AM)z-star Wrote:  
(10-24-2017 12:25 PM)pickedPocket Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 10:44 AM)z-star Wrote:  Name: Anguis Serpes (first name - "snake" in Latin; surname: derived from "serpent")

Symbol: The symbol of the Serpens constellation. (The olive blooded alphabet is implied to commonly contain circles in the symbols)

Trolltag: precisePythonidae (for one adhering to GCAT; absoluteAlethinophid)

Interests: Reading, playing the flute (see: snake charming), interior decoration

Strife Specibus: pistolkind (see: python pistol)

I think this troll might need some more interests or themes to build him up. I mean from the bare bones you posted about his dude is all about snakes.

His other personality traits were meant to be his affinity for literature and reading as well as the almost compulsive need for organization and precision. Sorry if I didn't define it enough!


(Note! This character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


(Note! This other character is also from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


Again, just like pickedPocket said, your characters need more...Things and interests to build them up. They just...Kinda feel empty. They're way too simple. My apologies if I'm sounding rude, but I think you need to build them up more.

I agree. Maybe try and add to their personality and emphasize how their interests work into the way they function as people. Also, I suggest some sort of example of text dialogue, because knowing how your character communicates can be important.

I agree with them! There should be a few more changes so your oc's are more rounded. For starters, it seems that they could use some background info. For example, what was Anguis' lusus like? A lusus is heavily influential on their troll unless they had outside influences that changed them more when they were younger. Understanding what their personality is like might help with their interests and making them more developed, y'know? For example, if Anguis has something resembling OCD, maybe he'll really enjoy puzzles and solving things and making them right? If he 's into snake charming, does he ever manipulate his lusus or only other trolls with snake lusii? Because he can potentially manipulate snakes, does he ever try to manipulate other people because he enjoys the feeling or is it more like a strife specibus in which he uses them to attack his enemies? How did he discover snake charming? Does he have a specific method or style for interior design (certain colors, certain items, placement, etc.)? As a mage of mind, how does he benefit from his aspect and how does he suffer from it? Towards the beginning of the game, mages fluctuate from scarcity to overabundance of their aspects. Which will allow him to interact with other trolls to get some relationships pre-game/beginning of the game? Are there any other major themes relating to snakes that might play into his theme? EG Snakes could be a symbol for duality and/or the never ending cycle of life and death. So maybe you could use those other themes and find other interests that relate to them.
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