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Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Offline 10-20-2017, 07:44 AM
Reply: #381
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-19-2017 09:36 AM)pickedPocket Wrote:  Might I recommend Axekind as a replacement?
Dragons are a big animal and there are a lot of different weapons you can model after them. In this case Axes = Wings.

While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.
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Offline 10-20-2017, 09:50 AM (This reply was last modified: 10-23-2017 04:49 AM by XenmusHykrus.)(Edited by XenmusHykrus.)
Reply: #382
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Alright... Editing time~

Name: Azhaka Ddraig. His first name is a hybrid of the ancient dragon Azi Dahaka from Avestan mythology, while his last name is that of Y Ddraig Goch, the welsh dragon prophesized to be the destroyer of the English.


Gender: Male, although he is mistaken for female with his hair being so long.

Blood/Typing/Symbol/Shirt Decal Colour: blue. He hides the true color of his blood by wearing the color black on a white hoodie.

Symbol/Shirt Decal: The Ansuz rune. Like you said, it means god and can also mean knowledge. mainly for him, it stands for god of knowledge, due to the chance of him god-tiering as his abilities grow.

Horns: straight Y shapes just above his eyes, heading back into an angle.

Age: 6 sweeps old

Lusus/Guardian: the dragon his last name's based off of, Y Ddraig Goch.

Fetch Modus: Ocarina (the captchalogued item will be turned into music notes for ocarina. If they are played correctly, the item is retrieved.)

Strife Specibus: Ocarinakind and tomekind. Tomekind has a knowledgeable amount of content in it, roughly about as the unabridged version of Sassacre's. Ocarinakind to get his items out of inventory.

Trolltag/Chumhandle: His trolltag is musicalDragoneer (Without GCAT rule), signifying his passion for dragons and music. (However, his GCAT-infused trolltag is terinoAlchemist. Terino, because it's original and he strives to be just that, and alchemist because alchemy requires knowledge and equivalent exchange.)

Typing Quirk/Style:
Ancestor: Yedrig Ddraig, more known as The Anti-Hero - somebody who was once a hero and caught killing another troll who did nothing of the sort. Before we contine with The Anti-Hero, let's symbolize his name. Yedrig is a kind of play-on-words of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree that connects the Nine Realms with life and energy. Back to backstory. The Anti-Hero was once The Hero, capable of cutting down even the toughest enemies and had an infinite amount of knowledge. He kept his thoughts and discoveries inside journals that documented what were happening around him. This part is where it gets hazy and mulled over, as there wasn't a witness to document. The Hero had a doppelganger running around causing havoc. He'd encountered the troll several times, even told him to stop -although he kept on doing it like he was caliborn - that's when he flipped and argily went on a wordy rant, triggering everything oh my god no, why do you do this, I have clam up vantas. and everyone around him. Therefore, the kid went up to someone with a scythe and killed him. The kid got away with it, The Hero Escaped Executioner Darkleer by hiding in shadows, became the Anti-Hero and joined the revolution, hell-bent on finding this person and killing them. Two years pass. The Executioner finally catches up with him. The troll watches in the shadows as The Executioner drags The Anti-Hero towards the Condescension.
BasycallYy, he nearlYy dyes and escapes to a mountain and yyas never seen agayn. Somehow, somebodYy found hym, revealed hyrself to be hys matesprit. end yf storYy.

Story/Background and Personality: Azhaka isn't really much of a cheery person. In fact, he's a rather distant and off-putting troll, who lives in a mountain. literally. He's also rather stoic, preferring to hide his emotions. As for his background, he was born and raised for three sweeps alone with no lusus. After the third sweep, he came across an abandoned lusus, and took it in his giant mountain cave. Bada bing bada boom, Azhaka. No information otherwise. When Azhaka was a small wriggler, around 1 sweep, he was crying all the time for nothing and everything. Nobody was his moirail and everyone pushed him away. That pushed him over the edge, somewhat mentally. He spoke to nobody -albeit they were there with him- and is distraught in more important matters. He in a sense became Kurloz, without the stitching and facepaint/faygo combo. But then at 5 sweeps old, a person who walked beside him everyday, no matter where he was going. She became his moirail, but never gave him her name. Only her trolltag. Another sweep, just before his birthday. Somebody controlled him to stab himself in the eye. He sewed it shut, still not painless to this day.


SBURB information:
Title: Heir of Mind
Land: Land Of Twilight And Sand
LOTAS is one of the most difficult planets to ever be on, mostly due to its dark and hot climate. it constantly seems to be purple, one of the feared bloodcolors, as for sand, it's because he fears that his knowledge on sand is limited and weak in general. He never actually encountered sand in his life.
Dreamself: Derse
Denizen: Věri Şělen, a "fire Dragon" of Chuvash origin.
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Offline 10-21-2017, 02:30 PM
Reply: #383
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
[/font] ok. Here goes nothing.

1. Name:
Videre Iratus. The name means “see anger” in Latin. This is for the fact that she is usually hiding feelings and secrets, so if you get her to the tipping point where emotions will show, expect to see anger.

Gender: Female

Blood: 681f68, which is a plum purple color, you will find out why she is a sea dweller later.

Symbol: Her symbol is a swan, which is the constellation cyngus the swan! You can probably look up the symbol to see exactly what it is.

Horns: looks like a curving neck and head of a swan.

Age: 7 sweeps (15 yrs I think, idk)

Lusus: (Sea)Snakemom. You would expect for it to be a swan but her lusus is more based on her personality, being quite intelligent, alert, and most importantly incredibly poisonous, Being that Videre’s personality is toxic.

Fetch modus: stumped on this one.

Strife specibi: CeramicKnifeKind (really long, I know) she prefers this weapon over regular knifes because the blade is light and she isn’t the strongest person. It can cut pretty ok but needs repairing offen. The knife blade is white, for White standing for purity ,and Blood on white is often used as a term of impurity, so that’s a thing too.

Trolltag: SaltySwan. This is because she is often called “salty” by her friends since she seems to really just not care. About anything. Even though she does. The swan part is quite obvious since her symbol is Cyngus.

Typing quirk:
I need help for this one. For now I have a completely unoriginal b=6 a=@ and t=7 . Any tips?

Story, backround, personality:
(Development under way, please give me ALL the tips you can muster)
Her hive is by a black beach for one specific hobby: making stained glass. Since black sand makes a perfect red color, she lives by the beach. The area also has some underwater caves and land ones, also containing stained glass materials. This is also why her hive is decorated with stained glass. A lot of it. Being raised by snakemom, snakemom was actually quite affectionate. This is due to the fact snakes will guard eggs until they hatch (I watch way too much National Geographic.) In her teachings with her lusus have learned to be cunning and decisive through methods of spying to being a excellent stealer (she really wonders why her lusus taught her that, since she usually has everything she generally needs) but uses the skill anyway in swiping troll’s shoes as practice. It’s kind of why you also see shoes scattered in areas here or tjere around her hive. Since she is the Slyph of Void, she is extremely secretive to a whole new level. Emotions. Actions. Words. She lies so well it looks completely genuine or avoids telling you anything entirely. It’s like a lying addiction. She lies about who she loves. (Spoiler Alert: it’s a rustblood who’s character isn’t really developed yet) she lies about what she thinks of others. Secretive about it.
Videre also has a passion for reading. She has a little nook on a porch, with books in the room that leads to the porch. It’s accesible through under a stairwell. (Yet another secret) Even though her high blood status should prevent her from thinking this, through reading books about ancient trolls who believed in equality, she yearned for a bit more equality among trolls (tying back to living the rustblood and more secrets.) she also has some fish takes around the hive through stained glass making and the life of the ocean.

Title: Slyph of Void.

ANY TIPS P L E A S E
Though really, I am completely open to feedback and being a artist I can take constructive criticism. I am new to da troll making so I think this is a kinda ok start instead of Mary Sueing. Here is also a drawing of Videre (it sucks):
http://fav.me/dbr82sk
It’s a traditional drawing so the quality isn’t the best.
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Offline 10-23-2017, 02:57 AM
Reply: #384
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-20-2017 07:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-19-2017 09:36 AM)pickedPocket Wrote:  Might I recommend Axekind as a replacement?
Dragons are a big animal and there are a lot of different weapons you can model after them. In this case Axes = Wings.

While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.

Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

"Eternity eludes us, even as a thought."

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Offline 10-23-2017, 03:59 AM
Reply: #385
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 02:57 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-20-2017 07:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-19-2017 09:36 AM)pickedPocket Wrote:  Might I recommend Axekind as a replacement?
Dragons are a big animal and there are a lot of different weapons you can model after them. In this case Axes = Wings.

While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.

Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

That's... actually a good idea. but my thinking of scythe isn't entirely farm-hand. (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...) I set it up as a sort of dragon pun, because he's always going to have to keep draggin' it around,(Phew! No triggers. Unless you're a dragon, to which I'm --- VANTAS, SHUT THE FUCK UP.) as well as the mentality of it being called the "Dragon's Claw". tomeKind woud be a good idea, as it holds all of his knowledge in there, but it's pretty useless if he loses it. As for the poleaxe, egh... no offense, but it's the shittiest thing I've seen. I've seen shitty jpeg swords, but a fucking poleaxe takes the cake of shitty weapons.
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Away 10-23-2017, 04:06 AM
Reply: #386
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
I think I should try this, although it looks a little complicated... I'm gonna try this with one of my leprechauns, my feltsona, my fan carapacian or my Felt babs

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Offline 10-23-2017, 04:32 AM
Reply: #387
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 03:59 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 02:57 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-20-2017 07:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-19-2017 09:36 AM)pickedPocket Wrote:  Might I recommend Axekind as a replacement?
Dragons are a big animal and there are a lot of different weapons you can model after them. In this case Axes = Wings.

While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.

Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

That's... actually a good idea. but my thinking of scythe isn't entirely farm-hand. (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...) I set it up as a sort of dragon pun, because he's always going to have to keep draggin' it around,(Phew! No triggers. Unless you're a dragon, to which I'm --- VANTAS, SHUT THE FUCK UP.) as well as the mentality of it being called the "Dragon's Claw". tomeKind woud be a good idea, as it holds all of his knowledge in there, but it's pretty useless if he loses it. As for the poleaxe, egh... no offense, but it's the shittiest thing I've seen. I've seen shitty jpeg swords, but a fucking poleaxe takes the cake of shitty weapons.
Well; your character seems like quite the recluse, right? I mean, I doubt they'd get much 'practical' use out of their weapon until *after* any SBURB shenanigans would occur. So whether it's a shitty weapon or not doesn't matter, unless it's something they like/find useful, in their own accord. I mean; with the tomeKind for instance. It fits his character as a Heir of Mind, and though it has it's weaknesses also, that's what makes it a 'balanced' tool. I've got a fankid myself who uses halberdKind, so polearms can be quite the fun idea if executed correctly. Also; I would perhaps refrain from calling that strife-specibus 'shitty', because well, what if someone else uses it for their O.C? Just a bit of advice for the future!
In all honesty, the only reason I'm saying this is because ScytheKind is a pretty overused specibus, along with bladeKind, rifleKind, etcetera. It's nice to explore some other types of weaponry! Whether practical or otherwise!

"Eternity eludes us, even as a thought."

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Offline 10-23-2017, 04:44 AM
Reply: #388
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 04:32 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 03:59 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 02:57 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-20-2017 07:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-19-2017 09:36 AM)pickedPocket Wrote:  Might I recommend Axekind as a replacement?
Dragons are a big animal and there are a lot of different weapons you can model after them. In this case Axes = Wings.

While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.

Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

That's... actually a good idea. but my thinking of scythe isn't entirely farm-hand. (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...) I set it up as a sort of dragon pun, because he's always going to have to keep draggin' it around,(Phew! No triggers. Unless you're a dragon, to which I'm --- VANTAS, SHUT THE FUCK UP.) as well as the mentality of it being called the "Dragon's Claw". tomeKind woud be a good idea, as it holds all of his knowledge in there, but it's pretty useless if he loses it. As for the poleaxe, egh... no offense, but it's the shittiest thing I've seen. I've seen shitty jpeg swords, but a fucking poleaxe takes the cake of shitty weapons.
Well; your character seems like quite the recluse, right? I mean, I doubt they'd get much 'practical' use out of their weapon until *after* any SBURB shenanigans would occur. So whether it's a shitty weapon or not doesn't matter, unless it's something they like/find useful, in their own accord. I mean; with the tomeKind for instance. It fits his character as a Heir of Mind, and though it has it's weaknesses also, that's what makes it a 'balanced' tool. I've got a fankid myself who uses halberdKind, so polearms can be quite the fun idea if executed correctly. Also; I would perhaps refrain from calling that strife-specibus 'shitty', because well, what if someone else uses it for their O.C? Just a bit of advice for the future!
In all honesty, the only reason I'm saying this is because ScytheKind is a pretty overused specibus, along with bladeKind, rifleKind, etcetera. It's nice to explore some other types of weaponry! Whether practical or otherwise!

wow, I actually was moved for a second there. I know I shouldn't call it shitty, but it's my opinion. I honestly hate poleaxes. great, now we got that out of the way, let's move on to the real stuff. scythekind is overused. alright. I was originally going to put ocarinakind, due to his modus, but opted out of it because reasons. now I see that scythekind is actually one of the main go-to weapons. so as much as it pains me to see, I will have to change the dragon's claw to the heart of the dragon, knowledge. and music. just to unlock stuff.
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Offline 10-23-2017, 04:53 AM
Reply: #389
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(10-23-2017 04:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 04:32 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 03:59 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  
(10-23-2017 02:57 AM)DivineProvidence Wrote:  
(10-20-2017 07:44 AM)XenmusHykrus Wrote:  While I appreciate the idea, it wouldn't seem right. He isn't a berserker. He's a strategist. Therefore he needs a light weapon that would be fast at attacking. Something like a scythe.

Admittedly though; when I think of a scythe, I get the impression of a farm-hand; someone from a lesser blood-caste who's using equipment that they'd typically be used to in day-to-day life. Perhaps a polearm of some different sort could be used? A poleaxe for instance, if you wanted to incorporate something of the draconic element?
Alternatively, if you're going down the 'strategic' route, then perhaps tomeKind, or something more-so suited with knowledge?

That's... actually a good idea. but my thinking of scythe isn't entirely farm-hand. (don't do it, don't do it, don't do it...) I set it up as a sort of dragon pun, because he's always going to have to keep draggin' it around,(Phew! No triggers. Unless you're a dragon, to which I'm --- VANTAS, SHUT THE FUCK UP.) as well as the mentality of it being called the "Dragon's Claw". tomeKind woud be a good idea, as it holds all of his knowledge in there, but it's pretty useless if he loses it. As for the poleaxe, egh... no offense, but it's the shittiest thing I've seen. I've seen shitty jpeg swords, but a fucking poleaxe takes the cake of shitty weapons.
Well; your character seems like quite the recluse, right? I mean, I doubt they'd get much 'practical' use out of their weapon until *after* any SBURB shenanigans would occur. So whether it's a shitty weapon or not doesn't matter, unless it's something they like/find useful, in their own accord. I mean; with the tomeKind for instance. It fits his character as a Heir of Mind, and though it has it's weaknesses also, that's what makes it a 'balanced' tool. I've got a fankid myself who uses halberdKind, so polearms can be quite the fun idea if executed correctly. Also; I would perhaps refrain from calling that strife-specibus 'shitty', because well, what if someone else uses it for their O.C? Just a bit of advice for the future!
In all honesty, the only reason I'm saying this is because ScytheKind is a pretty overused specibus, along with bladeKind, rifleKind, etcetera. It's nice to explore some other types of weaponry! Whether practical or otherwise!

wow, I actually was moved for a second there. I know I shouldn't call it shitty, but it's my opinion. I honestly hate poleaxes. great, now we got that out of the way, let's move on to the real stuff. scythekind is overused. alright. I was originally going to put ocarinakind, due to his modus, but opted out of it because reasons. now I see that scythekind is actually one of the main go-to weapons. so as much as it pains me to see, I will have to change the dragon's claw to the heart of the dragon, knowledge. and music. just to unlock stuff.


Listen; I totally understand that it's your opinion, honestly! We are all entitled to free-speech, and the rest of it, I'm just suggesting that perhaps there's a better place to voice those criticisms than a forum focusing solely on O.C Review-Applicants, just because it might turn off folk in the future? Anyways; yes, moving onto the subject at hand, I *would* like to ask where the interest in music comes from. Because from his GCAT-Chum-Handle, it seems he has more an interest in Alchemy, which could stem from Chemistry, perhaps thereby giving him a means of using explosive-vials or something as a strife-specibus? Nailing down hobbies is a big-key to discovering a muse's sort of battle-style and that, so fitting it around the character can be a bit of a challenge!

"Eternity eludes us, even as a thought."

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Offline 10-23-2017, 10:44 AM (This reply was last modified: 10-23-2017 11:01 AM by z-star.)(Edited by z-star.)
Reply: #390
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(Note! My character is from a canon universe, specifically the Earth created at the end of the comic)


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