Post Reply 
 
Freshness Rating:
  • 12 Votes - 4.33 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Offline 09-04-2017, 04:28 AM
Reply: #361
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(08-26-2017 11:01 AM)Alienoid Wrote:  So I recently got inspired and decided to make a fantroll right from scratch! Started out with the idea for a troll who makes space puns and I kind of took it from there. I... Apologise beforehand for the excessive amount of text.

Strela Lokeed
(STRELL-uh LOCK-eed)
For future reference, I would personally prefer if you put the meanings right after each of the items, instead of pushing them all to the end. I'll also keep these comments mostly at the end since that's where you put most of the meanings.

[Image: Jwr4URE.png]
[Image: YA7jRnB.png]
[Image: fpCjvoR.png]

Species: _____Troll
Gender: ______Female
Lusus: _______Moonkey (Sprite)
Good pun.
Trolltag: ____gammaticAperture
Typing Style: speaks with an (or)biT- of a lofT-y, airy sorT- of voice, *WHOOOOOOOOSH*! has the (cos)mosT- space puns and T-erminology eon T-he block. (#113DFD)
Strife Deck: _raygunkind (Raygunkind.)
It's fitting and rather original.
Classpect: ___Mage of Space
Game Planet: _Land of Chemicals and Frogs
Dream Planet: Prospit
Ancestor: ____Observer Darkmate


Your name is STRELA LOKEED. You could say your life is primarily dominated by your fascination with UTILITIES FOR SPACE-FLIGHT. While you someday dream to leave your home planet to venture among the stars, for now, you are too young to be considered the type of adult prepared for INTERPLANTERY DOMINATION.
A fitting hobby, especially for a highblood. You instead spend your time tending to your MODEL SPACESHIP KITS and flying them around your room, which is to say, you grab them and run around in circles making cool noises with your mouth. Your love for make-believe has earned you a few notches under your ROLEPLAYING RINGABELT, though you tend to drift away from the more dangerous, deadly type of roleplaying game. That isn't to say you're all imagination and no arm joint grease, however, you've got a KNACK FOR MECHANICOLOGY for that one fateful day your spaceship breaks down so that you won't be stranded anywhere you'd rather not remain. You also have a love for CARTOONS, relishing in the light-hearted chord they strike in comparison to the rest of your brutal society.
I think it's an interesting hobby, since I don't see many characters have it, although it is a bit contrasting with her excitement towards interplanetary domination.

The usual evening for you is spent caught up in the various fantasies you construct for yourself in eager anticipation for your first REAL SPACESHIP RIDE. You tend to run through life with your HEAD IN THE STARS, to the point where some people call you a bit obsessive with your (space)craft, pun intended. This is likely due to the influence of spending many a morning analysing the cryptic visions you've been able to piece together from your dreams.
How much of this information is important? Seems odd for a highblood to have any kind of powers? While you've attempted to branch out into different forms of art, you've quickly discovered that they're boring as sin and that nothing beats a good old GEAR-TURNING ADVENTURE. You will, however, admit that you've been getting into a few daunting works of literature as of late, which has been hell for your sleep schedule. Taking care of yourself isn't exactly always your highest priority, sufficed to say.

Strela is essentially the Alternian equivalent to a train enthusiast here on Earth, being endlessly fascinated with spaceships and all things space travel. In comparison to most of her species, she tends to be a bit on the cheerier side, but that isn't to say she's all pillows and blankets - she's an extreme fanatic for her craft, and that craft involves a fair amount of hyperspeed and rough conditions in the cold, harsh vacuum of space. Despite all that's said and done, though, she can sometimes be a bit empty-headed when it comes to social situations, even if her heart is in the right place. She's just so excited to share what she's passionate about that she tends to draw a blank on how other people might be taking it.
I think in general her personality seems well developed.

Explanations

Name: Strela is derived from the Spanish word 'estrella', which translates to 'Star', in reference to her space and space travel theme. Lokeed is a nod to the Lockheed Martin X-33, a canceled space shuttle successor project. Lockheed Martin itself is a big name in technology; primarily aircraft. Additionally, there's the syllable 'lok', as in 'lock', as in 'airlock'.
You've got a lot of nice associations here!
Symbol: Simply put: it's a rocket ship.
Lusus: (Huge thank you to my brother for helping me design her! Couldn't have done it without you, bro.) Earth has been dreaming about sending monkeys to the moon for ages, not to mention actually sending some, so monkeys and space have a bit of a societal connection. Not to mention, that pun. 'Moonkey'.
Trolltag: Gammatic is a portmentau of 'gamma' (as in gamma radiation, or, "penetrating electromagnetic radiation of a kind arising from the radioactive decay of atomic nuclei", abundant in outer space) and 'schematic', akin to blueprints. As an expert on spacecraft and space in general, she's well aware of the exacting nature of Aperture describes a hole or gap in something, most commonly referring to the amount of space light travels through into photographic or telescopic equipment. To put it simply, she has her sights on something. It's space.
It's pretty fancy, and although it doesn't directly refer to space travel, but it's very well selected and every detail seems accounted for.
Typing Style: The most prominent quirk is her capitalising all t's and adding a hyphen afterwards. This is because of the phrase 'T minus'. T-. Like a countdown for a rocket launch. The space puns should be fairly apparent - because she's space-related.
Oh, punny. For easier readability, words that might impact readability (going from bit to orbit, for example) are split up with parentheses meant to mirror Saturn's rings, or just an orbit in general. Her constant sound effects enclosed in asterisks is a nod both to spaceships themselves being LOUD, and the fact that they're enclosed with stars: *'s.
That's very creative!
Strife Deck: Her wielding a raygun is a reference to the stereotypical Martians who run around with huge bug eyes and cartoony plasma blasters as they abduct cows or whatever.
Yeah, I see that.
Classpect: Making her a Space player seemed like a fitting choice in my opinion, because of her endless enthusiasm when it comes to outer space - or more specifically rocket ships, which are made of a lot of moving parts and different chemical reactions and movement and a lot of things that embody the concept of Space itself. Making her a Mage is in reference to her familiarity with Space, as Mages tend to be very knowledgeable about their aspect (space) from personal experience, as well as an analysis of Mages that I was introduced to recently that proposes the concept that Mages toss themselves at their aspect, to no avail. Similarly, Strela is the expert on all things rocket-related, but has yet to leave Alternia on a spaceship (and never will, on account of the game and all).
I got it, it fits well.
Game Planet: LOCAF is a relatively barren wasteland, with the exception of the more than countless number of high-tech laboratories run by the millions of iguanas on the planet. Thousands of genetic experiments are taking place at any given moment, either on the consorts themselves, or on the various frogs held in captivity. Getting access to those frogs requires a ridiculous amount of paperwork and waver-signing and strict scheduling.
Frogs are a simple enough inclusion for a Space player, so I'll instead explain the role Chemicals play on the planet. Not only are chemical reactions a vital part of the process when it comes to getting rockets out into space, it's also a metaphor for what Strela needs to learn. Strela is the type of person to get really obsessive about a single (or small group of) things without much room for anything else to get a word in edge-wise. Chemicals, while they don't change on a whim, do change when mixed together in the right combination - sometimes very powerfully and in a volatile manner. Change. Strela needs to learn change, to adapt - not to forget where she came from, but to allow room for growth and difference. This sort of ties in with her aspect of Space, which deals with creation and growth.
I like how well thought out her planet is, and how you made it so it directly relates to her journey as a person.
Dream Planet: Space player. Prospit. Not much to say on the matter.
Ancestor: 'Darkmate' is a shortening of 'dark matter', in reference to her space/space travel theme. While Strela wishes to journey the stars in her own personal space vehicle, Darkmate is a renowned charter of the constellations visible from planets part of the Alternian empire. This is, however, after she vanished from her drafted role in an engine manufacturing plant, so once her anonymous publishings were traced to the source, she didn't last much longer than that on account of shrugging off her given duty.
Darkmate is an interesting name, and it's certainly one I've never seen used before, and not one that simply implies an occupation. Plus it keeps a cheery quality too it.
You have a well detailed OC here, although the theme is basic you have made it very original and intriguing and have managed to find lots of ways to develop it and especially within keeping of the setting. The name and trolltag are especially well chosen, with lots of detail and references. Her personality is well tied into her character arc and development and her character in general is closely tied to the universe of Homestuck. There generally aren't any other comments that wouldn't feel like nitpicks so, good going!

9/10

Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-06-2017, 10:53 PM
Reply: #362
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(08-27-2017 11:01 PM)greenzor Wrote:  alright, thank you, i will work on that! (no need to rush to get on mine! work on the others! XD)
All in spoilers!


Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-07-2017, 12:15 PM
Reply: #363
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Alright thanks! here's the last one!


[Image: v73Em2Z.png]
Kimona Carapt
Knight of light
(credit to YD)
http://forums.msparp.com/showthread.php?tid=14679
http://forums.msparp.com/showthread.php?...#pid183978
Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-09-2017, 11:21 PM
Reply: #364
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(09-07-2017 12:15 PM)greenzor Wrote:  Alright thanks! here's the last one!
Thanks! All in spoilers.


Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-10-2017, 02:01 AM
Reply: #365
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
alright, and thanks so much! ^w^

[Image: v73Em2Z.png]
Kimona Carapt
Knight of light
(credit to YD)
http://forums.msparp.com/showthread.php?tid=14679
http://forums.msparp.com/showthread.php?...#pid183978
Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-23-2017, 03:02 AM
Reply: #366
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
No problem!

Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-23-2017, 03:59 PM (This reply was last modified: 09-23-2017 04:06 PM by Dilmec.)(Edited by Dilmec.)
Reply: #367
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Name Dilmec Kaleti
Name meaning: It's a pun. His name is a play on Dill pickles and Kale, as part of his little plant thing he's got going on.
Gender: Male, He/him.
Lusus: A monstorous, carnivorous plant creature with large gaping teeth. Imagine a Piranha Plant, but a little more realistic and natural. While it comes off as threatening, it actually can be very nurturing to Dilmec, as he speaks to it and tends to it much like a gardener to his plants in an attempt to help them grow. In return, his lusus constantly acts not only as a caretaker, but something of a companion. It does get hostile when hungry though, forcing Dilmec to occasionally go off and hunt for food.
Age: 6-7 sweeps, based on situation.
Sign: Scutum - Shield of protection.
Blood Caste: 556b2f - Olive
Appearance:
When you meet Dilmec, he always appears frazzled. His hair is messy and unkept, glasses often crooked, possibly with stains of who knows what on his clothing. However, he does not let this bother him.
Often in casual clothing he wears a thin sweater over his clothes. He can also be seen in a lab coat when he's in one of his science-y moods. He is not horribly concerned with how he looks, as he is perfectly aware of his almost naturally crazy looks.
The boi himself
This image in particular was done by a friend of mine on Discord (they make cool animations btw!!)
It portrays Dilmec at his best, I imagine.
Personality
To people who don't know him personally, Dilmec comes off as your stereotypical narcissist. He's egotistical, and considers himself to be the superior of most of his peers, as he is one of the smartest people HE knows.
His observational skills, logical thinking, and strategic capability are what give him a bit of a sense of superiority. However, this often leads to his downfall.
At first, he often forgets to empathize with other people, forgetting that he needs them as much as he believes they need him. He clings to small social groups to survive, and often goes to his friends when he gets flashes of self-awareness.
Over time, he grows care for the people he holds dear. His biggest social strength is his loyalty, using reason and logic to help get people out of tough situations. He makes sure to keep a cold exterior, but does have a soft side.
Basically, Dilmec:
- Is smart
- Logical
- Loyal
- Clever
- Narcissistic
- Often unempathetic
- Passionate in his opinions and interests.
Speaking of his interests:
He has a passion for science, primarily Botany and Chemistry, which help fuel some of his hobbies like gardening. He's also into cheesy movies and nerdy online culture, in general. He's really into FLARPing, and tends to use his scientific prowess to outsmart people in the game.
He's VERY interested in different types of plant specimens, taking superb care of them, often treating them like people.
Trolltag: tantalizingGardener
Quirk: D >>> [capitalizes D's anD tries to use proDigious worDs to boost vocabulary. uses brackets to reference his peculiar horns. most of his choices are a subtle attempt to make him come off as important.]

Strife Specibus: Scythekind
Classpect: Heir of Mind.
Land of: Acid and Beanstalks
This idea is fun to play around with, due to the fact that Dilmec would get REALLY cocky, since it has to do with his two favorite things: Plants and Chemicals. However, if this world had a huge amount of beanstalks, Dilmec's skinny and frail body would have trouble being able to climb and move about this place at first. The acid would only make it problematic for his gameplay, due to the fact that his food supply comes from livestock, and his Encryption Modus requires him to actually physically plant things into the ground in order to quickly grow his items. Acid Rain would be the bane of his existence.
All in all, the natural challenges in this world would be extremely tough for a frail, introverted mind like Dilmec's to work around at first.
Misc:
- Dilmec loves vegetables, and learned how to grow Cucumbers to make into pickles.
- Dilmec actually has his quadrants mostly filled, just among his few friends.
- He uses his scythe before the game for outdoor yard work, but once in game he's forced to learn how to use it for combat.
- Dil's favorite plant is called Phil. When Phil is turned into a sprite in-game, Phil is revealed to be female.
So, I like Dilmec a lot, but I'm sure there are plenty of things you could notice that I wouldn't have caught. I hope you can get to him!

oh wait is this thread dead? i sure hope im not too late lol

a brief summary of my fantrolls:
Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-25-2017, 04:30 AM
Reply: #368
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(09-23-2017 03:59 PM)Dilmec Wrote:   Name Dilmec Kaleti
Name meaning: It's a pun. His name is a play on Dill pickles and Kale, as part of his little plant thing he's got going on.
Or, heh, Salad too?
Gender: Male, He/him.
Lusus: A monstorous, carnivorous plant creature with large gaping teeth. Imagine a Piranha Plant, but a little more realistic and natural. While it comes off as threatening, it actually can be very nurturing to Dilmec, as he speaks to it and tends to it much like a gardener to his plants in an attempt to help them grow. In return, his lusus constantly acts not only as a caretaker, but something of a companion. It does get hostile when hungry though, forcing Dilmec to occasionally go off and hunt for food.
I've seen this lusus a few times before, but it's still a nice idea that's not too overused.
'feed me seymour'

Age: 6-7 sweeps, based on situation.
Sign: Scutum - Shield of protection.
An interesting choice for a plant themed troll.
Blood Caste: 556b2f - Olive
Fitting.
Appearance:
When you meet Dilmec, he always appears frazzled. His hair is messy and unkept, glasses often crooked, possibly with stains of who knows what on his clothing. However, he does not let this bother him.
Often in casual clothing he wears a thin sweater over his clothes. He can also be seen in a lab coat when he's in one of his science-y moods. He is not horribly concerned with how he looks, as he is perfectly aware of his almost naturally crazy looks.
The boi himself
This image in particular was done by a friend of mine on Discord (they make cool animations btw!!)
It portrays Dilmec at his best, I imagine.
I think the design is pretty fitting for his character.
Personality
To people who don't know him personally, Dilmec comes off as your stereotypical narcissist. He's egotistical, and considers himself to be the superior of most of his peers, as he is one of the smartest people HE knows.
His observational skills, logical thinking, and strategic capability are what give him a bit of a sense of superiority. However, this often leads to his downfall.
At first, he often forgets to empathize with other people, forgetting that he needs them as much as he believes they need him. He clings to small social groups to survive, and often goes to his friends when he gets flashes of self-awareness.
Over time, he grows care for the people he holds dear. His biggest social strength is his loyalty, using reason and logic to help get people out of tough situations. He makes sure to keep a cold exterior, but does have a soft side.
Basically, Dilmec:
- Is smart
- Logical
- Loyal
- Clever
- Narcissistic
- Often unempathetic
- Passionate in his opinions and interests.
Seems a bit simplistic, although he has a balance between negative and positive traits, I'm still not getting really an insight of what properly drives or motivates him as a character.
Speaking of his interests:
He has a passion for science, primarily Botany and Chemistry, which help fuel some of his hobbies like gardening. He's also into cheesy movies and nerdy online culture, in general. He's really into FLARPing, and tends to use his scientific prowess to outsmart people in the game.
I'm interested in how he plays FLARP a little more.
He's VERY interested in different types of plant specimens, taking superb care of them, often treating them like people.
Trolltag: tantalizingGardener
Quirk: D >>> [capitalizes D's anD tries to use proDigious worDs to boost vocabulary. uses brackets to reference his peculiar horns. most of his choices are a subtle attempt to make him come off as important.]
Pretty simple, but I think it works?

Strife Specibus: Scythekind
I guess it fits both with a 'killer' and a 'gardener' (although it's closer association is with farmers). Normally Scythekind is a bit overused but here it works.
Classpect: Heir of Mind.
I think it mostly fits, although the 'Light' aspect fits closer to being the aspect of 'knowledge' and 'fact'.
Land of: Acid and Beanstalks
This idea is fun to play around with, due to the fact that Dilmec would get REALLY cocky, since it has to do with his two favorite things: Plants and Chemicals. However, if this world had a huge amount of beanstalks, Dilmec's skinny and frail body would have trouble being able to climb and move about this place at first. The acid would only make it problematic for his gameplay, due to the fact that his food supply comes from livestock, and his Encryption Modus requires him to actually physically plant things into the ground in order to quickly grow his items. Acid Rain would be the bane of his existence.
All in all, the natural challenges in this world would be extremely tough for a frail, introverted mind like Dilmec's to work around at first.
It feels well picked, since it shows both a problem for the character to solve and solution for them.
Misc:
- Dilmec loves vegetables, and learned how to grow Cucumbers to make into pickles.
But not any other more vegetables?
- Dilmec actually has his quadrants mostly filled, just among his few friends.
- He uses his scythe before the game for outdoor yard work, but once in game he's forced to learn how to use it for combat.
- Dil's favorite plant is called Phil. When Phil is turned into a sprite in-game, Phil is revealed to be female.
A bit of a 'human' name for a troll to pick for something, don't you think?
So, I like Dilmec a lot, but I'm sure there are plenty of things you could notice that I wouldn't have caught. I hope you can get to him!

He's pretty cool!
oh wait is this thread dead? i sure hope im not too late lol

Oh no it's not dead! Although the forum is kind of dead in parts, I am very much alive.

I think you have a pretty interesting character here, his theme is pretty clear and it's quite in touch with the entirety of his character, including stuff like his land title and strife specibus.
I would say perhaps give him more goals and more fears. He's got a good personality, but he needs to be slightly more dynamic, a little bit of a destination or 'arc' otherwise he's pretty good!

8/10

Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-25-2017, 07:47 AM
Reply: #369
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Thanks so much, I'll make some changes to him. I appreciate your feedback!

a brief summary of my fantrolls:
Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Offline 09-28-2017, 11:17 AM
Reply: #370
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
What are some good ideas when filling out a character's strife portfolio?
Right like I've been attempting to design a character or two but this (along with Classpect stuff) always seems to give me the most trouble. Like I can never be sure if my choices are either too predictable, or if I'm just going with what I think is cool at the moment. Plus it seems like Sburb can make anything a useful weapon, if Vriska's dice are any indication.

So are there any sort of tips or tricks to choosing?
Find all replies by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply 


Board jump:


User(s) browsing this memo: 1 Guest(s)