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Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Offline 04-18-2016, 12:06 AM
Reply: #11
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
@Ghostsoul
Yes, had to expand a bit. They are not a strict leader type, they are more an "advisor" archetype, usually when I do roleplay as them, trying to give their input to the leader. Herdsman doesn't use neither leadership, nor strength, but indirect input when guiding the livestock. The shepard's staff/Bootes fits in I suppose
About quadrants, yes it is not. But the character is made with the idea of a "borrowed time" in mind. Their struggle is that they know that lack time to actually become an adult troll and fulfill whatever plans they have in full. Sorry for not expanding on that.

Thank you for your input. ^,..,^

There is no path.
Beyond the scope of light, beyond the reach of Dark.
What could possibly await us?
And yet, we seek it, insatiably
Such is our fate.

Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin


A Victory Guaranteed
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Offline 04-18-2016, 12:22 AM (This reply was last modified: 04-18-2016 02:03 AM by Ghostsoul.)(Edited by Ghostsoul.)
Reply: #12
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
No problem!

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Offline 04-18-2016, 04:19 AM (This reply was last modified: 04-18-2016 04:42 AM by why-am-i-here.)(Edited by why-am-i-here.)
Reply: #13
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
(04-17-2016 08:37 PM)Ghostsoul Wrote:  

Thank you! This was some really useful criticism. Especially the two-headed dog lusus idea, tbh I think I'm going to use that!

As for sticking canon in her story, yeah, I wasn't sure about that. My reasoning was that... okay, so originally this story was kind of ABOUT the Summoner and the flaws that history didn't see in him, which is why I needed someone who wasn't into acts of heroism or super passionate about anything, like Iscari prefers to just do what needs to be done. The Summoner did lead the Revolution, at least at the time that she would be a part of it, so it was more like... like he'd be some far-off figurehead they'd hear from, and we get to see her and her group react to that? I dunno, still not sure. Do you still think it's ill-advised to allude to him at all? I find it hard not to, in a Revolution-based fancestor, but perhaps that's just me.

Oh, as for changing her mind quickly - 19 sweeps did pass between the Signless's execution and her leaving.

(Which does, of course, create the issue that I'm creating an AU in which the Summoner was hatched far earlier than he was in canon, but that was going to be clear AU material. On second though, maybe this is a chance to instead look into how the Sufferists were carrying on their movement that soon after his death?)

Anyway, thank you again!

@Salvr

thought I'd pay it forward and try to critique someone else's? I hope this is organized decently; I just jotted down my reactions throughout.

The jellyfish lusus is a nice, nice parallel to the Weak but Skilled trope. Also, sounds like a realy cool visual.

The first thing that hits me is why is this seadweller so frail? Not to mention standing 5’6” before horns, which considering Dualscar, GHB, and Condesce, seems very short. I think that this piques my interest, rather than turning me off to the character - I would want to know why something so unusual happened here.

As I’m reading on, though, I’m not seeing any explanation. Perhaps wanting one is ableist of me? They’re clearly disabled or chronically ill, in some capacity or another. This isn’t something I should question, and I don’t for people, but in an Alternian setting is where I begin to wonder just because disability is so closely tied with Alternian politics, and because there’s this massive Alternian cultural conception of seadwellers as strong, this begins to feel like a Big Issue.

"Not concerned about the drones in most of the settings (usually due to their condition)” I’m mostly curious, could I get a little more expansion on this?

What with the computer-y quirk, it would be kind of cool to see technology themes elsewhere with them.

The ancestor story is really, really nice. Very fitting with other ancestral legacies in Homestuck. What does the ancestor’s story have to do with their destiny, if anything?

Seer of Time is super, super fitting, A+ there.

I don’t think I have an overall “rating,” because I’m bad at that, but overall those are my thoughts! Nice fantroll, I can see the thought that went into them.

A walking choo choo catastrophe striving for horizontal width longening.
aight check it - Broadwaytier's looking for new talent!
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Offline 04-18-2016, 07:13 AM
Reply: #14
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
@why-am-I-here
Ah! I was aware the time had passed, there just didn't seem to be all that much explanation on how her mind changed, I think the confusion came from there.
With 'The Summoner' perhaps play up that the negative aspect of why you eluded to him more, perhaps not have her directly react with him, but perhaps she knows someone who did, she does like on a commune after all.
Hmmm, perhaps you should have explained the AU a little more?

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Offline 04-18-2016, 09:22 AM
Reply: #15
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
^^To be honest the AU isn't fleshed out enough and I'm just now noticing several flaws in it, so I'm gonna revamp a lot of the Revolution-related prompt.

A walking choo choo catastrophe striving for horizontal width longening.
aight check it - Broadwaytier's looking for new talent!
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Offline 04-18-2016, 12:49 PM (This reply was last modified: 04-18-2016 01:40 PM by Salvr.)(Edited by Salvr.)
Reply: #16
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
@why-am-i-here
About the height: as I mentioned, they are about 8 sweeps old, not a full grown adult. While fully grown trolls may be quite large, this is not the case.

About the frailty: the explanation depends. But usually they are quite reclusive troll, rarely leaving their hive at all, usually contacting other trolls through trollian, where physical appearance and power can do nothing.
Also, one could argue that high castes are not just innately strong, but have a better starting point physically and a higher limit on possible strength.

About the source of frailty and drones: It is a generalized illness, not something from the real-life since if executed poorly it could become offensive to the actual people with those illnesses. Basically, similar to the "Incurable Cough of Death" trope. An unspecified, yet terminal illness hindering the characters physique. Usually if Ollima is played they are 8 sweeps old with about 1-2 sweeps left in them and, therefore, doomed anyway, with drones or otherwise

About the tying to Ancestor: as it was mentioned before, their time is very limited and they want to change the troll society for the best. The parallel here in how the ancestor and the descendant are going to achieve it. One tried brute force, as he used to, with adversities. The other - cunning and patience, manipulating others. With the results depending on whether or not manipulations are successful (which means - other players and their input)

Thank you and sorry for not adding this to the initial application for the review ^,..,^

There is no path.
Beyond the scope of light, beyond the reach of Dark.
What could possibly await us?
And yet, we seek it, insatiably
Such is our fate.

Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin


A Victory Guaranteed
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Offline 04-18-2016, 02:19 PM (This reply was last modified: 04-18-2016 02:21 PM by narcissisticPhantom.)(Edited by narcissisticPhantom.)
Reply: #17
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Though I'd Send Someone In For Review

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Offline 04-18-2016, 11:55 PM
Reply: #18
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
First of all, MissMurder, no offence taken :)
Second, thank you for your ideas Ghostsoul!:)

Bee theme is just an elaborate plan to hide the fact that Honera actually relovlves around the idea of malapropisms :)
In roleplays Honera doesn't talk about bees often, save for mentioning her lusus. Mostly she talks about "ancientific foliants of hysterical recordingzzz telling such frilling storiezzz azzz the tale of Mime's Fang, Harpooner Dull-Scarf and of course about The Sings-Less and The Disc Ripple the unrelatedship inbeetween which surplused all the quadriceps in an event unparalyzzzed in the trollish society." (apparently one of the bees [that's where she got the books from: her "siblings" brought them to her by her lusus' command] was able to find an old book on Signless which the Imperial forces weren't able to locate. Heck, Alternia is big and full of wilderness, after all)

Got the thing about the striped shirt (don't get why it's so bad but still). I just wanted to spice up the generic black clothing. Maybe have a black tshirt with yellow belt anbd a collar? Or just a belt? (it's funny because her God tier AND Derse dremer attire actually look closer to bees, because Alternian bees are purple. Speaking of dreamself attire, should I make it striped beecauzzze certain buzzzbugzzz?
Also sorry but the horns stay for I like their look (they look approximately like "---O")

And while most canon trolltags are indeed longer at least forsakenVenom has more syllables than arachnidsGrip.

Does liking hystory count as a hobby? She also enjoys books (she mainly reads ebooks on Alternianet because she does have a husktop) thought she reads paper books lust as well thought it's harder for her to find them, of course, living far from civilization. She likes adventure and hystory books, sometimes enjoying fantasy books and rarely movies. She has no problem reading fantasy books or watching fantasy movies about humans but for her humans are just as mythical as jadebloods. Well, she read and heard that the jadebloods existed but she doesn't believe in that either.

Okay, I'm changing Honera's backstory a little. She was schoolfed just enough to learn alphabet and the very basics (hemospectrum included) but her later "education" was maintained by Swarm Mother (who was teaching her to talk to bugs, because bugs do think in other terms than humans and trolls) and herself. She has a husktop so she was making online friends when still being in her hive. It's just due to her lusus' territorial nature she have never invited anyone over. this is why she's so eager to meet others in "reality."

Also also I klike the idea of naming her planet. I am still at loss with the planet's name but the idea is neat.

As for Maid Of Rage, won't that make her a btlle-hungry psycho? Because that's not what I'd like her to be. The Sylph idea came from the fact that Honera's psychic powers are more or less based on hearing others out, even if the others in question are bugs. so perhaps upon GodTiering she'd be able to support others with emotional problems by first of all, being there to listen to them.

And yeah, I suck at picking symbols. I just do.

My fan adventures:

Troll Jailbreak

Trolls but no SGRUB

A kid in some strange world
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Offline 04-19-2016, 01:29 AM (This reply was last modified: 04-19-2016 01:40 AM by Ghostsoul.)(Edited by Ghostsoul.)
Reply: #19
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
Though I'd Send Someone In For Review
Alrighty!


@why-am-i-here
Good luck with redesigning your AU! I can re-review the troll if you change anything.

@Fubar
I like the way you have changed her backstory! I think it fits a lot better and is pretty different.
God-tiers are by no means black and white, not all rage players are psychos. It highly depends on the person with the god-tier. Maids, for instance rely on others mostly for their aspect (in this case though, bees) at the start of their quest, which involves them being able to look after it for themselves, once they have it themselves they can of-course help other with it too. Sylphs on the other hand tend to have lots of opinions on their aspect before the game begins and have to learn to nurture it rather than control it.
These are just some interpretations however. I just think Maid suites a little bit better

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Offline 04-29-2016, 12:31 AM (This reply was last modified: 04-29-2016 12:41 AM by devilishTamer.)(Edited by devilishTamer.)
Reply: #20
RE: Fan Troll/Kid/Cherub Critic thread!
So! I created this one a few years ago as a Trollsona, but I reworked her a few days ago to be her own character for fun. Critique away!

Basically - a young naive troll who has a core theme of exploration and symmetry to her character.

[Image: tumblr_o6hkc1SqKD1rognr3o1_500.gif]
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