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RS: Okay, main Dirk, I'm looking for your session and holy shit.

RS: Something is weird timeline-wise here. It's not a doomed timeline, but it isn't the result of a time loop either.

RS: I mean, I'm watching the main offshoot do something weird. It's... splitting but sorta isnt?

RS: The visual display shows it twisting in on itself and making something like a...

RS: Its... too non-Euclidean to have a definitive shape I can identify, but certainly someone is doing some temporal adjusting of time in your branch, and not following the normal time travel rules.

RS: Excuse me for a moment while I violently expel bricks from my anus.


RS: Okay my baked clay diarrhea is done.

RS: I'd certainly help you out with your problems, but I'd have to leave my friends behind. They have some classes and aspects that aren't backwards compatible the way your time demon is.

RS: Time was one of the original features. Time, Space, Void, and Light. They were like fire and water types- first ones there.

RS: JR and KR are more like fairy and steel types. Try to import those fuckers into your Red and Blue cartridges and you just get garbage.

RS: Tried checking version history of SBURB to see when their classes and KR's aspect got added.

RS: I vehemently maintain that version numbers should contain neither Cyrillic nor Zalgoed text.

RS: As a Seer of Void I'm fine though.

RS: Totally helps me find cool broken shit.

RS: Jack has usually been a problem in a lot of sessions. Any carapacian has the capacity to become a Ringwraith, as I've called them, but Jack has a thing for offing BQ.

RS: Best strategy is to make sure you stay close to him and show proper respect for him BEFORE he goes nuts. Help him rob a bank or something.

RS: Or better, convince him that the best way to piss off the Queen is to help you succeed in making a new universe.

RS: Usually after he goes nuts though you can only hope you didn't prototype anything too bad.

RS: I've seen a First Guardian Jack before, and they're unkillable unless you smoosh him between two planets or have First Guardian powers yourself.

RS: I've also seen players that self-prototype, but apparently Alpha GG prototyped her dream self into her First Guardian sprite, then it blew up due to godtiering. Log as follows.

RS: addItemToArray prototypingsPostEntry: ["Dreamself(4)"]
this.var "PlayerLivingDreamself.4"=+1
"PlayerLivingProspitDreamself.4"=+1

RS: Not sure why it wasn't Boolean until I saw the previous session. Wtf was up with the Doom players.

RS: Then I saw the godtiering script activate later on.

RS: this.var "godTier.questBed"==True
"isGodTier"==True

RS: Didn't reinit ectoBiologicalSource though, since it's a dreamself, not made through ectobiology, so it kept the prototyping after ascending.

RS: ~ATH is suspiciously like eldritch JavaScript but buggier and kills slightly more people.

RS: That's what tipped me off to check you guys out. Speaking of coding, Roxy, you think you could poof me in or something? Or at least trace my connection, then... I dunno, change my coordinate variables?

RS: I honestly have no idea how I'm getting over there.
GG: I don't recall any particularly strange timeline shenanigans happening in our session. :/
GG: If anything weird happened, it would have to have been after we died.

GT: Dirk? You wouldn't by any chance have anything to do with these shenanigans would you?
TT: Nope, I was stuck in glitch town USA for a solid year after you all died.
TT: Though it might have something to do with John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde, and the entire fucking planet of LOWAS.
TT: Shit doesn't just disappear, so I'm betting that whatever went down was their doing.
TT: Don't know how that could have happened though, John is a Heir of Breath and, as I've stated before, Roxy was no where near powerful enough to disappear-ify a whole planet.
TT: Yo pop Rox, you passed out drunk yet?
TT: Mind helping RS out here before you do?
((throws in a troll because why not))
[Image: webp_net_gifmaker_by_sheeppun-dbafk24.gif]
TG: i dont think anyone went grimfark in my session
TG: *grimdark
TG: at least not if the alpha timeline
TG: so thats a point towards UA5
TG: we did bring parrot!jack into the universe tho
TG: our first gaudrain
TG: *gaurdain
TG: *guardian
TG: what ever that is
TG: was a parrot
TG: one of those smart ones
TG: that talk a lot

[Image: karkat_by_sheeppun-dbaflsv.png]
--- CURRENT carnaptiousCancriform [CC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo ---
TG: oh you
CC: OH M--E
CC: BUT I THINK SINC--E IM ALSO FROM A NULL S--ESSION
CC: I CAN B--E PART OF TH--E SUPPORT GROUP FOR TH--EM

TG: >:u
CC: SO H--ER--ES TH--E SCOOP
CC: IM MOR--E TH--EN AWAR--E THAT MY TIM--ELIN--E WAS DOOM--ED TO FAIL NO MATT--ER WHAT
CC: B--EST --EXPLANATION I CAN GIV--E IS THAT MY BLOOD COLOR IS WRONG
CC: MY WHOL--E S--ESSIONS BLOOD COLORS AR--E 'WRONG'
CC: FROM WHAT T--ER--EZI HAS S--E--EN AND --EXPLAIN--ED TO M--E
CC: OUR ALPHA TIM--ELIN--E IS V--ERY DIFF--ER--ENT FROM OUR LITTL--E OFFSHOOT
CC: SO MUCH SO
CC: W--E CANT CHANG--E SHIT

TG: rop
TG: *rip

CC: Y--ES THANK YOU JAD--E
RS: Yeah, a weird thing most sessions do is randomize ectoBiologicalSource and ectoBiologicaldestination across timelines and one of those just turns out to be a successful session. The other ones are doomed.

RS: Like quantum computing. It solves problems by being literally every value at once across timelines.

RS: Except this computer also happens to kill kids, so.

RS: Yeah. Sorry about that, CG.

RS: A quarter of the code is genius, a quarter of it is a pile of bugs that look like a stable program from the right angle, and half of it looks like the ravings of a mad and coked-up survivalist cult leader that's for some reason obsessed with teenagers and memory allocation.

RS: But it only has to work for one timeline so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

RS: Really looking forward to meeting you all!
Alex read Dirk Strider's player list before looking up at him.

ALEX: While I like how you categorized this weird ass phenomena so effeciantly, I am afraid you got one thing wrong.

Alex then removed her shades which has been obscuring her eyes throughout the whole meeting.

ALEX: You see, I'm dead.
ALEX: But that is not important. What is important is most of us are here.
ALEX: Although, most of us are still having our faced pressed in pesterchum for some reason.

Dirk Egbert briefly looks up to answer her.

DIRK: Well we just had two newcomers needing help getting here.
DIRK: So yeah, why not focus on that first?

He proceeds to continue answering the memo.

UT: Took a while for a troll to get here.
UT: What? They're gonna ruin this for us through incessant trolling and clogging the memo with unreadable typing schemes? Is that it?
TG: hey :U
TG: not all trolls were, well, 'trolls'
TG: and i know what ur gonna say, "but cali we're dead cause of them"
TG: yeah but, it's cause they're trying to help u know
TG: this one maybe needs sos as well!
TG: u don't have to be jerky all the time U_U
UT: As much as I appreciate your sentiments, I never said trolls are inherently bad.
UT: That's just racist.
UT: And if I learn anything from all those shonen animes I watched my entire life, is that we must respect aliens. They might end up saving or destroying our universe and all.
UT: But I'm getting sidetracked. What I was saying is, not only is their quirks almost unreadable (for me at least, no offense), but they normally don't add anything of substance to memos, except possibly needless discord and bickering.
UT: I mean, have you even interacted with their memos? I mean our session's trolls memo, you know that right?
TG: u mean that 'fruity factory' whatever?
TG: yeah u have a point
TG: btw what happened to helping others get here? u know, what u said to alex? :?
UT: Oh that.
UT: Yeah, about all that.
UT: I'll let that other Harley help @RS with coordinates, meanwhile @RS did said some interesting stuff about their sessions.
UT: For one, I've never heard of a carapacian named Jack.
TG: but we do have a jack!
TG: ur bruh is named jack! :U
UT: And that's what I find strange.
UT: We do still have a destructive prospitian called Jaz Weiss, or as he was formerly known before he went on a genocide spree, BS.
UT: He set things in motion by killing our WQ and basically causing most of our deaths. Like Cali here.

TG: U_U

Back with Alex.

ALEX: So you said our first problem is dealing with grimdarks, right?
ALEX: In actuality, this causal bullshit for some reason didn't completely applied between our sessions, at least in a case like this.
ALEX: It wasn't me who was supposed to go grimdark, I'm not a Derse dreamer and I don't feel like trusting those horrorterrors.
ALEX: Seriously, a mere mortal like me could not hope to talk to those dark gods without going mad. My friends of course need me so they would not want that.
ALEX: The brothers in our session however, did.
ALEX: I'm talking about our Egbert and Harley of course.


Dirk looked up at her, confused.

DIRK: Wait, what?
ALEX: Nothing, it is not like your common interaction with the dark gods of your moon has no consequences at all for your alpha self, not at all.
DIRK: Interesting, you see I died before getting to that part so I have no idea.
ALEX: What? You are not even the least bit disturbed at what happened to you?
ALEX: Your alpha you I mean.
DIRK: I don't know, should I?
DIRK: I mean alpha me is alive and godtiered so it worked out for him it seems.
ALEX: But what about your brother, aren't you concerned for him going down the deep end?
DIRK: Yeah, I guess that's one reason why we ended up fucked with another first guardian going against us.
JR: Hey, RS, I think AB and I hacked together a backwards compatibility mod. Turns out my class codes as a "Maid" for new enough versions of SBURB. (At least, I THINK it's "new". Transtimeline shit is hard to parse out. Like...did they start out with a few classes and aspects and build up, or did they start with a fuck ton and pare down when it became to untenable to maintain???)

JR: And yeah, you weren't kidding. You win hands fucking down...this branch of existence is fucked up. Too bad my YellowYard shit doesn't work in this version of SBURB :/

JR: But if we can help 'em out...that's probably the responsible thing to do right? It'll get us "not assholes" points. Or something.
RS: Jaz Weiss? I know the dude.

RS: He was the White archagent.

RS: Prospit was supposed to have a set of special agents too, analogues to Jack Noir, Courtyard Droll, Draconian Dignitary, and Hegemonic Brute.

RS: Technically they do, but their AI is bugged so that all they do is engage in their secondary routine.

RS: Dersite agents have a jazz band I think, and Prospit agents are totally into disco.

RS: The latter do nothing BUT dance, instead of actually doing their primary thing, which was some questline about getting the White Queen off her porcelain colored ass and onto the Battlefield to help kill The Black Queen.

RS: Now I know why. The Prospitian Archagent, like the Dersite one, has a strong anti-royalty subroutine, so having TWO regicidal nutjobs in one session was a no-go. So the agents were dummied out.

RS: And yeah, I saw CG's transtimeline logs.

RS: It was like creating anger out of nothing. Pissed off fuckiness springing from the void like so many jujus.

RS: Pure and true, part toddler-tantrum, part thesis on why everyone and everything sucks.

RS: I mean come on dude, you don't have a word count to reach. This isn't "Fuck You: An Essay".


RS: !!!JR!!!

RS: You ain't gonna believe this, but two things.

RS: First off, some players actually did the yellowYard thing, but not into their own session's past.

RS: They did it to their post-scratch iteration. God damn were they clever.

RS: Second, I'm seeing some shit that's even more absurd than the yellowYard shit near that terminus. It's like a souped up version that doesn't need a time player, or a window. It's like a dev console or something.

RS: We might not even need Waste of Mind abilities if things are going the way I think they are.

RS: Regardless, JR, send AuthorBot my regards. She's really done an amazing job searching through sessions and finding some juicy fucked up shit.

RS: Do you think code injection is
a possibility for class imports?

RS: I want our abilities to work at top capacity. We're facing what is apparently Red Skull meets Gigyas meets Satan meets pissed off Bruce Banner, several First Guardian Ringwraiths, an alien psychic empress who's in cahoots with edgy seizure trenchcoat guy, and...

RS: Basically it's Smash Bros but real life, and bloodier, with how huge the lineup is.
TG: i love the way how u made that sound! gaming references all the way bruh! ^u^
TG: tbh tho, it would've been better if we weren't the one beings pwned by those cherubs U_U
UT: Interesting, I always thought Jaz Weiss was the only one to worry about. But really, I actually never saw a Dersite Archagent in my session, possibly as a result of being very much bugged ddown after the bitch queen muse of life started to screw around with us.
TG: btw, u said us all tried cheating in the game? :U
TG: aren't u not supposed to do that?
TG: i mean, sburb is a multiplayer game and it has universal consequences, so if there's a game u should not try to cheat it is it
UT: I actually find what @RS did to be smart, considering SBURB doesn't really like playing fair in itself. Being able to modify it from the inside out through some weird machinations is astoundingly effective if done properly.
UT: Of course, we have no idea how to do that and our main enemy is using her own hacking skills to not cheat her way out of this nightmare but instead bully weaker and much more ordinary players for her own amusement.
TG: but-
TG: u did said that in the wrong hands the session would end up falling apart (eg. @CT)
TG: so can't you say it's dangerous? :?
CC: IM OFF--END--ED
TG: good
CC: AGAIN THANK YOU JAD--E
CC: I COM--E H--ER--E FOR SUPPORT
CC: AND I G--ET DISCRIMINAT--ED AGAINST
CC: B--EFOR--E I --EV--EN GIV--E MY NAM--E
CC: ITS KARKAT BY TH--E WAY
CC: I FIND MY TYPING QUIRK TO B--E RATH--ER R--EADABL--E
CC: THANK YOU V--ERY MUCH
CC: BUT W--E ALSO HAD A JACK
CC: H--E WAS A D--ERSIT--E
CC: NOT A HUMAN

TG: i think his name was jack noir in full
TG: i also think the more universes pop up
TG: the more bs bosses we have to deal with
TG: which at this rate is a lot of bs
TG: what if we coacx some of them into fighting each other
TG: *coax

CC: THATS A HORRIBL--E ID--EA
CC: THAT CAN BACKFIR--E GLORIOUSLY
CC: KNOWING OUR COLL--ECTIV--E LUCK
CC: TH--EYLL JUST T--EAM UP TO WHOOP OUR ASS--ES --EV--EN MOR--E TH--EN TH--EY HAV--E

TG: that was a lot of es
CC: I KNOW RIGHT
DIRK STRIDER: Well shit. Alex is dead too? I probably should have seen that one coming.
DIRK STRIDER: I think it's better this way though. It's a picture perfect Hollywood moment fit for the silver screen.
DIRK STRIDER: The music builds. Dramatic reveal. Shock and awe.
DIRK STRIDER: This is the kind of shitty B rate cinematography that Jake eats up.

JAKE ENGLISH: It's not "shitty B rate"! It's art! And you'd do well to recognise it when you see it Strider.
DIRK STRIDER: Whatever you say, bro.
JANE CROCKER: Getting back on track, boys.
JANE CROCKER: Alex says that Dirk Egbert's alpha self has gone grimdark before.
JANE CROCKER: So does that make him mire or less likely to go grimdark again?

JAKE ENGLISH: That's an excellent question Jane. Maybe it's like chicken pox and you can only catch it once?
DIRK STRIDER: Or maybe the more you're exposed to it the weaker you are to defend against it, and you're in for a repeat performance from the horrorterror puppet show.

TT: Holy shit Jade, UA5 Jack was prototyped with a parrot?
TT: That is fucking amazing.
TT: What I wouldn't give to see that frilly feathered asshole go Polly wanna cracker.
TT: Just once, that's all I ask.

GG: Now I don't know too much about coding, RS...
GG: But you don't suppose that it might be possible to see what happened to our present Roxy.
GG: I'm just so worried about what she might have gotten herself into!

GT: A troll huh? We didn't get the chance to meet many of the trolls in our little session mash up. I spent some time with a few of the dead ones though!
TT: You've always gotta respect the aliens.
TT: They might save or destroy the universe, or they might steal your waifus for tentacled debauchery of the highest order.

GT: Gross.
TT: It's not gross, it's art. You'd do well to recognise it when you see it, English.
GT: Are you mocking me?
GG: Boys, there are more important matters to be attended to here than all this gosh darn faffing about!
GG: Like figuring out how to get the rest of the memo's new arrivals to the meet up, if they can even get here at all.
GG: Or how our Lord English over here is apparently powerful enough to strike fear into the hearts of players in far off sessions!
GG: I'm certain the two of you are even worse than the trolls Egbert mentioned, clogging up the memo.

GT: You are absolutely right Jane! It's time to get down to business. No more lollygagging!
TT: Alright, now we've been suitably shamed.
TT: Let's get to work then.
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